11.17.19

Do you ever struggle with doubt? Being really honest, I’ve experienced a lot of doubt in my time here in Swaziland. There’s been moments when small and underlying doubt has turned into doubt that has riddled my mind. ‘God, are you good?’ ‘God, do you love me?’ ‘God, are you even there?’

That last question that I had asked in my mind, hit my heart so hard. I felt so guilty that that was even a thought in my mind. These last couple months, I just shoved these thoughts down until recent, when they became so powerful that I had to face them. So, I sat down and began trying to write down all the things that have happened to me or that I’ve seen that I know have to be God. My list didn’t go very far before I became discouraged. Actually, I only wrote three things down before realizing how a bunch of little doubts had woven themselves in to these moments to make a big jumbled mess of doubt.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I just kept on writing, and what came of it was actually so beautiful. I started writing down why I’ve chosen and will continue to choose to put my faith in my God, even when it’s hard, even when people tell me that’s it’s just coincidence, even when there is still measurable amount of room in my own human mind and heart for doubt.

For me, these are the reasons why I have to have faith in God. Because no where else can these things be fulfilled. 

There’s no where else to put my hope that is strong enough to overcome the darkness + evil that we witness everyday. I need a hope. 

People fail me all the time, I need someone perfect to rely on. I need a constant. 

I need a purpose in something greater than myself, something that is lasting. 

I need to belong somewhere, always. So far, in my nineteen years, there’s very few people or groups that I consistently feel like I fit with. 

I need something to grasp onto in the world of confusion, ambiguity and inconsistency. I need clearness. I need a plumb line of Truth. 

I need there to be a place of healing of things that have hurt me. I need freedom from shame, memories of the past, anger, unforgiveness. 

I see how imperfect I am every day. I see how small I am compared to all these things that could crush me in an instant. I need to know there is something perfect and bigger than my small self. 

There’s so many evils and harmful things that try to overcome me. I need a protector. 

Faith has to stand in the gap between the sure and the unsure. Faith has to be the connector between things I know for sure and where I am doubtful. In our humanness, there will always be the possibility for doubt. I’m learning the key is that we need our faith to be bigger than our doubtto keep going in our journey with the Lord. Even if it’s 51 percent faith, 49 percent doubt, God can and will use that. These are my whys. Why I will choose faith in God over doubt because I have to. It’s vital to my entire being. My entire existence. There’s nothing else, nowhere else, nobody else, that could be my complete hope, constant, purpose, Father + family, clarity + Truth, freedom, all-powerful + almighty authority, and protector. 

So, let faith arise. What are your whys?