To my friends

4/24/19

Today I was posed with the question of what I would do if today was my last day to live. It might sound cliche or even a little dumb, but that question really struck me. 

What would I do in my last day alive on this Earth? 

I thought about all the things that I would do with the people who are surrounding me. What I would say to them, how I would act, what I would do to say goodbye. That was all easy for me to think of, but I felt like there was something that was missing. I wouldn’t feel ready to die and I was so quickly convicted of why. I wouldn’t feel like I was ready to leave this Earth because I haven’t shared with my friends, people who I’ve spent so much of my time and life with, about what this life means to me, why I do what I do, and who Jesus is. 

So here I go. If today is my last day alive, here’s what I want you to know. 

Throughout the Race I’ve struggled a lot with identity. Growing up, I always called myself a Christian because I went to church with my family and it was all I ever really knew. I always believed that there was a God because that’s just what people told me. My support systems, my parents, mentors and leaders, all believed in God, so why shouldn’t I? Everything that I ever heard in the Bible seemed to be pretty real and make a lot of sense. And it all sounded like good things to do. Plus I had fun things to go and do like retreats in the mountains, campfires, mission trips, people to hang out with. So I grew up going to church and believing in God, but I never liked to say it out loud or say that I went to church because I didn’t like what would come with saying it. It wasn’t always mean or rude things that people would say or do. A lot of times it was comments about being perfect or an angel or a goody two shoes. Or sometimes people wouldn’t tell me what was going on in their lives because they were afraid that I would judge them. Or that I was too innocent and couldn’t handle the truth. I wanted people to think that I was part of the world, like anybody else. I usually hid the only part of me that I knew was real. I kept my faith to myself. I kept God to myself. 

As middle and high school went on, I tried to find where my identity lay. I knew I wasn’t the popular kid or the person who partied a lot. I knew I wasn’t the kid who could blow off school or do really well on tests without studying. I knew that I wasn’t the star athlete. The list goes on. I was really good at remembering who I was not and I constantly told myself that. I never actually knew who I was. 

As high school went on, I began to hate the things that the world told me to be more and more. I wanted to just blend in with everyone else, so I slowly began to allow all these things to take over my life that I thought were ‘normal’ but I knew weren’t doing anything but hurting me. All the while I still believed that there was a God, but I only wanted a relationship with Him when it was on my own terms. I only wanted Him to be part of my life when I went to church on Sunday mornings or when I went to youth group on Wednesday nights. Week long missions trips were the longest periods of time in which I allowed Him to consistently be a part of my life. Other than that it was the sort of thing I just pretended wasn’t there. I took God out of the box when it was convenient for me and when I knew that I could gain something good from Him, but if it was ever at the cost of damaging my “identity” that I was trying to form, back in the box God would go. I carried on like this for my whole life until I hit a breaking point. 

Breaking point for me was my senior year. I was so sick of pretending. I tried to be a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I tried to not do this but do a lot of that. It was exhausting. I became really hopeless and completely lost myself. I was frustrated and sad and angry all the time and could barely even get out of bed some mornings. Things that I used to put my identity in were slowly all being torn away. Things that I once loved doing or was good at like school or playing volleyball became my biggest causes of stress. I didn’t believe that there was really anything more for me in the world other than getting the approval of other people and being who I thought the world was telling me to be. But I couldn’t do either of those things very well, so what was I supposed to do? 

That’s where I met God. Or rather, God met me. He walked straight into all my pain and confusion. I was struggling with things from the past. I was struggling with things right there in my life in that moment. And I was really struggling with knowing what to do with my future. 

God lead me straight to this opportunity to go on this nine month long trip called the World Race. I knew myself well enough to know that I loved to travel. That I loved to experience new cultures. That I loved to adventure. That I loved to go places and help people. That I so desperately desired a community who could help me figure out who God is and what life is about. That much I knew. And God knew that too. So He put this opportunity right in front of me. At first, I didn’t want to take it. If I decided to do it, I knew I would be stepping out of ‘normal’ and I probably wouldn’t be able to go back. I wouldn’t be able to blend in like I had always tried to do. But I was at the breaking point. Nothing in life that once held value and purpose mattered to me anymore. I didn’t have hope in anything. So God gave me hope. For the first time in a really long time, I had excitement for something. 

So 8 months ago I began this journey, fully expecting to be the one making changes in the world around me. In reality, the opposite has happened. The world around me has completely changed me. And God made that happen. 

I knew all about Jesus growing up from reading the Bible, but I never actually knew Jesus. This year I have learned the significance of who he is and what his life means for me and my life. 

God sent his son Jesus to die on the cross and be a sacrifice for us. His blood covers all our sins so that we are looked at and considered pure by God, sinless in His eyes. Jesus is the connection between us as broken humans and our holy and perfect God. I get to live my life here on Earth and in Heaven with God because of Jesus’ work on the cross. I get to live in freedom from shame and fear and jealousy and anger (the list goes on and on) because Jesus made the connection between me and God, and God fills these places up inside of me with His perfect love so that they can no longer control my life. God has fulfilled me and told me who I am and has given me purpose. God is love and Jesus is love. They are the perfect love of a brother, a husband, a friend, a comforter, a father and more. His love is what connects people across the world who believe in him. 

This year has taught me that God calls us to live lives of loving Him and loving others. That’s what life is to me. That’s my purpose. It’s both simple and really grand. Each day I learn more about how to love better, and that’s what every day of my life will be spent doing. I love being able to serve the people around me because I’m doing what I know we’re all called to do. When I focus on loving God and loving the people around me, I’m also being completely fulfilled. These last 8 months I’ve experienced unreal heights of joy and peace, it’s hard to even explain. I know who I am now, and it’s not someone that I have to pretend to be. I’ve also experienced some of the most challenging and hard situations in these last 8 months, but it has all been worth it because I’ve experienced so much FREEDOM. I’m no longer tied to the mindset of having to be who the world tells me to be. I no longer carry around shame or anger or fear or hopelessness or striving or confusion. Jesus allows me to live my life with God and God has healed me of so many things that I’ve struggled with for so many years. 

So if I’m gone tomorrow, I just want you to know that God loves you so much, even if you don’t know Him yet. He wants you to know Him and His unimaginably powerful love. He wants to set you completely free of all of these things in this world and live in His freedom. And I want that for you too because I’ve seen how much my own life has transformed in these last 8 months. I am a testament to God’s love and power and so are all the people that I’ve encountered in the last 8 months. If you want more out of this life, He is more. You just have to seek Him and He will meet you. 

-Elena