It is hard to believe that it is just over one month since I left Colorado. I am now in Siem Reap, Cambodia. I am trying to process everything that happened in month 1, here’s a little insight:
Leaving Battambang was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Battambang quickly became home to me and I wanted to stay and continue on with our ministry at the cafe. Last Thursday and Friday, my team and I hosted a children’s read aloud and a conversational English class at Ezra Cafe and Library. We planned for 2 and a half weeks leading up to the events and had been working to cast a vision that could carry on into the future. The events ended up being successful and the people that came asked us when there would be more! This was exciting and encouraging since we had been working to create events that would continue to bring more people into the cafe. I’m so grateful that we got the opportunity to start these events for Ezra and I have to trust that a seed was planted. It is sad that we won’t be in Battambang to help the seed grow and to continue making connections with the people who came to those events, but I’m learning to give that back to God and trust that He will continue to make it grow. Besides, I can’t make things grown on my own anyway.
I’m in Siem Reap now with the whole squad. We are here doing our debrief of month one on the field before we all split up. There are three teams heading back to Battambang and two teams moving to cities 3 and 10 hours away from here. My team is staying in Siem Reap. Living with the entire squad has actually been so much fun. Since I’m an introvert and definitely appreciate my time alone, I thought I was really going to struggle being surrounded by people 24/7. Being in constant community actually filled me up in a way that I didn’t know I could be filled up. I’m super sad to not see them for two months!
Month one taught me a lot about myself. I have come to realize that I seem to have this filter in my mind that makes everything okay. It’s like I almost trick myself into thinking that everything is always fine and happy. Don’t get me wrong… I think that it is important to have a positive outlook on life and to find the good or something to be grateful for in every situation, even when it is hard. But, I have also learned that it is okay to feel things. I’m often not honest with myself about how I’m really feeling and I like to think that nothing is ever really hard for me.
This is just not true! I experience hardship just like everyone else. Sometimes there were things that were physically hard, like sleeping on a sleeping pad every single night and waking up with your back aching. Or waking up to ant bites all over your feet because for some reason the ants just loved your room even though there was NO FOOD in it AT ALL. Sometimes it is really hard to have patience with the people around you, and little things just start bothering you even though you have no idea why. It was hard to face the fact that my relationships with friends at home probably won’t look the same when I come back. I’m learning that it’s okay to actually let myself experience these emotions, but then to learn from it and continue on.
The Lord revealed a lot to me about my heart and the places that are really hard and broken. I am learning that I have to invite Him into those hard places and choose to surrender everything to Him. He has the power to make beauty from really hard things, but I have to let Him. Surrender is every moment of every day for the rest of our lives. It isn’t just saying you give your life to Him and calling it good. You have to choose to do it every day. This also includes surrendering my comforts to Him. I have learned that I tend to run to literally everything (my parents, friends, food, sleep, social media) but Him when I feel fearful, uncomfortable, impatient, sad, etc. I should be turning to Him first for joy, love, encouragement, laughter, fulfillment, comfort, etc. I am trying to surrender my identity of the world as well (I’ll write more on that later).
Okay one more thing for this blog. God spoke to me last Sunday as I was sitting in church listening to the pastor preach about missions. I was honestly was having a hard time focusing on really relating to what the pastor was saying, so I just asked God, “is there anything for me to hear?” Next sentence out of the pastor’s mouth spoke directly to me and reminded me that missions is not about me; it is about Jesus. The Kingdom is built in the small choices we make every day. I try and remind myself when things feel uncomfortable, that it is not about me being comfortable. It is about me serving this powerful God who can seriously do anything. He is just so cool.
-Elena
It sounds like you are having such an amazing experience and gaining such valuable insights about yourself and others with whom you interact! I’m very impressed with the change of perspective from your early blog posts to your latest – it’s a lot of personal growth and expansive thinking in only a month!
As a totally different aside, when I was in high school, there was a girl in my class named “Patsy Pelican”. Until seeing your teammate on your blog, I never once met another person whose surname is Pelican! Weird, huh?
Keep up the great work and self-exploration – I love to hear how it is so deeply informing you about yourself and your place in our world! I’m grateful for the help you offer others less privileged than we…
Wow Elena! This is good stuff. Such insight and perspective. Learning to be ok with admitting, “this is hard” is so important for you and for others. Have you ever tried to explain your emotions to someone who is focused on a positive outlook and dismisses your pain? It’s not comforting. Also, I love the question you asked God while listening to the pastor. It’s one of the questions that I’m learning to ask God throughout my day. I hope your debrief and processing time reveals so much more to you! Mom
Thank you, George for following and supporting Elena and for your words of encouragement!
Elena, I love your heart and I see you wrestling with things that even as older adults we wrestle with. It is good to be self aware so that you can recognize the good things and so you can ask Christ to help you eradicate those things that aren’t so great. We all have stuff. So glad you have the opportunity to learn these things with Jesus right now. Plus, you get to be in such a beautiful place! Keep your heart open and, like you said, look for those opportunities in a little ways to serve Christ where you are each day. He sees and he knows, and I think you make him smile.