What’s been hard about home?

Hi friends! It’s been little bit since I’ve posted on here, but I wanted to share something that I’ve been walking through since coming home since I’m constantly learning the value of being open and honest. 

 

I’ve been understanding more of why God wants all of us lately. He can only bless what is His. God is an Almighty and all powerful God but He is not forceful when it comes to His children. He wants us to choose Him for ourselves and to choose how much we let Him into our hearts. We never have to let Him in. Yes, it makes Him sad when we don’t choose to give him pieces of us. But that’s because God just wants to bless us. He has so many things that He wants to give us. So many places that He wants to take us. So many things that He wants to do with us. So many people that He wants us to connect with. So many things he wants to show us. He can only do these things when we let go of something that we’re holding onto and choose Him instead. 

 

He can only bless what is His!

 

He can only begin to move in and become a part of friendship when I choose to stop trying to hold onto fear and instead choose to give my fear to Him. 

 

He can only bring about growth in my life when I choose to stop holding onto laziness or comfort around me and choose what He asks me to step into.

 

He can only heal me of anxiety when I choose to face it, let go of it and give all of the broken pieces in my heart to Him. 

 

God is wholesome. He is fullness of life and of all good things. He can only continue to make me more whole and full when I give him pieces of myself that can be hard to talk about, confront or even think about. 

 

Since being home, I have struggled with some anxiety. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to face it. I don’t even really want to acknowledge that it’s there. But I guess that’s why I’m writing this. 

 

So how did God reveal this to me? Well, one of my closest friends from the Race texted me a few weeks ago. I woke up to a text saying that she was praying peace over me. She said that as she was praying over me, God reminded her of the verse in Psalm 23 that says the Lord is your Shepherd, you shall not want. 

 

My first thought was, well awesome! I love when people pray over me because praying for someone is one of the best ways to fight with and for them. It also means that we have another set of ears listening to the Lord on our behalf which is what Moriah did for me that morning!

 

Peace is an ever growing-in-meaning word for me in my life so I always try and position myself to receive and want more of God’s peace in all areas of my life! Who wouldn’t want to have more peace? Anyways, it could’ve been really easy for me to look at the text, say thank you and then move on to go about my day! But, I ended up sitting and asking the Lord why He told Moriah about this verse and why it specifically was peace that she was praying over me. And then He brought to mind some of the moments since being home in which I had felt really anxious and wasn’t at peace at all. It seriously felt like fireworks going off in my head or something. It made a lot of sense why the Lord told Moriah to pray peace over me. God had to remind me of these memories because even though I felt things in the moment, I’m used to pushing them out of my mind and trying to push past the physical symptoms, emotions and mental thoughts.

 

My sophomore year was really the last time that I experienced anything like what I have been experiencing over the last couple of weeks. I got really good at ignoring how I was feeling and chose not to face why I was feeling that way. Honestly, even if I had tried to understand why I was feeling that way a couple of years ago, I wouldn’t have known how to go about it. Thankfully, these last nine months have been a process of learning more about myself through the eyes of God who created me and knows me so much better than I even know myself. I ask Him more about what’s going on with me, what I like to do, where I want to go, etc. than I even ask myself. He actually always has the better answer anyway. 

 

I guess I’m writing this in the hopes that whoever needs to hear this finds this blog today. This is to encourage people who may be struggling with anxiety, depression or just restlessness in your life. It’s hard to talk about and sometimes even to acknowledge it. It’s not something I want to talk about. But it’s cool to see how much I’ve grown over the last year in how I’ve learned that it’s so much better for me to give what’s not mine to hold onto (anxiety) to God and now He can not only heal me, but bless me in this. I believe and know that He wants to and will. It’s a process and it requires patience. Sometimes it’s painful, but in the end I know I will be in a place of more wholeness as a human and will be living in more fullness of life. 

 

 

Psalm 23 (NIV): a psalm of hope, love and healing

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, 

he refreshes my soul. 

He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. 

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, 

I will fear no evil, 

for you are with me; 

your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 

 

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. 

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, 

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 

 

Psalm 23 (my interpretation today with the Lord): 

You are my protector, comforter and guide. With and in you, I am whole. 

You call me into places of deep rest. You lead me into peace in my heart, mind and soul. 

You make me new (you renew my heart and mind). 

You help me to find my way, Lord, constantly calling me home. It’s all for your glory. 

Even as I encounter trials, challenges and temptations, 

I will NOT live in fear or let anything not from you (bad or destructive) overcome me. 

For you go before me, walk beside, live inside and guard me from all sides. 

Your Holy Spirit is my comforter. 

 

In opposition, the invitation to be part of your family extends further and you yearn to bless us. 

You choose and pursue me; your joy, hope and love will rush out of my heart. 

I know that your love is everlasting and covers all things, 

your love will forever be where I am home. 

 

 

-Elena 

 

PS. Even though it doesn’t show it in my fundraising bar yet, I am at $2000 of my $3000 goal for WR. Thank you so much for all of your support and encouragement so far! I’m so blessed by you all. Also, I found out that I’m going to SWAZILAND in the fall and I’m pumped!!